I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
