My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
