I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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