grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
