R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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