Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
