i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
