tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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