i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
