I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
