I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
