It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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