he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
