I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
People in love make me want to vomit
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
