YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
