I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
