Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
