I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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