I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
