sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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