his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
