hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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