i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
