My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
