i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
