She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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