Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
