I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
