If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
