so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
