just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
