I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
