does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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