Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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