I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
