i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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