my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You took a bar mat shot.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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