Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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