between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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