K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
