i jhust puked up my retainher.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize