im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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