I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
