U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
