Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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