6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
