dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
