So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
