I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
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