I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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