Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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