Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
