My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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