u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
