You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
