so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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