My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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