you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
