i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
