You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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