yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
