...so i touched it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize