I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
