I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
its liver damage thursday
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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