i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
