The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Mom said you looked used
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
