My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize