is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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