I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize