this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
